Drunk LUV

Its not often I talk about the weekly business travel I now do each week. For the most part, its pretty uneventful trips to Laredo, Texas from Kansas City for work. Until last Thursday night…

After an inflight diversion due to weather, we eventually made it to Dallas from San Antonio to make the connection to Kansas City. All travelers had about 4 hours worth of delays and some, it appeared, spent most of that time boozing. This is where it got good. The person who chose the middle seat, 2B on SWA flight 2350 from DAL to MCI was beyond drunk. (I was in seat 2C…) She had been drinking since 4pm and we just started to board around 10…Shitfaced, I believe, is the best term to describe my seat neighbor.

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After sitting down and fumbling with the difficult task of moving her feet to place her bags under the seat in front of her – which took at least 3.5 minutes – she composed her self and sat quietly for 24 seconds.

At the 25 second mark, while I was trying to queue up the kindle for a solid 1.5 hours of reading, I was accosted from the left by who I now refer to as DMS or, Drunk Middle Seat. Grabbing my left arm she snuggled in tight, head on my shoulder, arms wrapped around my left arm ready for a 1.5 hour cuddle.

The LUV airline was in full effect in her world.

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Frankly, I was ready for none of it.

Instead of being “that guy” and throwing a fit, informing flight attendants or trying to switch seats – I laughed, tired to take a selfie and talk to her about not cuddling. The following is synopsis of our 1.5 hour flight:

Me – Hi, um, Hello…excuse me…um,
DMS – I just need to lay down and cuddle a bit, I’m pretty drunk.
Me – You certainly are drunk, Skyy Vodka Screwdrivers? Well, It’s a bit uncomfortable ma’am –
DMS – It doesn’t mean anything, its just a cuddle.
– Are you married? Girlfriend? Doesn’t matter because its innocent touching.
– I either need to punch something or cuddle. (she proceeds to punch my shoulder.)
Me – How about we do not do either and pass out in our seats? That’s fun.
DMS – I need a drink and a vomit bag.

I quickly hand her my vomit bag and consider getting a drink myself to see if she would try to steal it…however, we had not yet left the gate.

She passed out and when we did begin to take off she woke up, said “WEEEEEEEEEEEE” and sang, “Sky Rocket in flight! Have a noon delight” and proceeded to pass out again.

She woke up once to ask for another cuddle and proceeded to tell me “maybe when you are in your 50’s, you won’t be shy about being touched”. She then put her hand on the guys leg next to her who was sitting in the window seat. (He was ready to be “that guy”, staring at the flight attendant button above him.) She looked at me after he pushed her away and said, “he isn’t much for touching either.” When we landed she offered us an altoid and her world seemed normal.

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And all of this happened with out so much of an intervention from Sapphire MoonBeam, sitting in seat 1c. (She has 152K likes on FB…whoa…) No, that’s not her given name but it feels right to her so she legally changed it even though it embarrased the kids a bit. I only know this because Sapphire told her entire life story to the morbidly obese man in seat 1b…at a rather high volume…for the duration of the flight…and DMS would sometimes wake up and ask me “Whats that god-damn noise… … … I mean, who like, talks so loud” and I would say, “oh, that’s Sapphire Moonbeam” and DMS would give me quizzical glance before passing out again. The woman in seat 1a, well, she hyperventilated into a vomit bag hugging the window most of the flight due to turbulence and was able to ignore the conversation around her – she was in heaven.

Another great reason to LUV Southwest Airlines.

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5 Responses to “Drunk LUV”

  1. Jeanie Short
    May 16, 2014 at 12:26 pm #

    I know I would be changing seats in a heartbeat. Then of course I’d be afraid of retaliation. Better a happy drunk than a mean vicious drunk. But, she did punch you in the arm. Assault!!

  2. May 16, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

    BEST in flight story I’ve ever heard …ever!!! Awesome. And thank God she didn’t URP! Ecccccch!!!

  3. May 16, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

    That was certainly one to remember. I loved reading your account of what transpired. Well told!

  4. Debbie
    May 20, 2014 at 1:33 am #

    I love your blogs!!!! You have some very interesting life situations and I think this one is close to the top!!!!

  5. amber
    May 21, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

    oh gosh.

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